SHALLOW END COACH BY ED COLLEY A s a mom of three boys, I’ve had the pleasure of being introduced to YouTube videos produced by “Dude Per- fect,” friends who perform feats with balls of all types, compete in hilarious battles with one another, and release videos that entertain my boys for days. Some of their favor- ite videos are “Stereotypes,” in which human patterns are captured in categories such as driving, grocery shopping, and restaurants. Having swum with several different Masters groups, I’ve noticed patterns in swimmers as well, and with absolutely no judgment (I’m guilty of some of these myself), I share them with you here. Perhaps you will recognize yourself as you read. THE EQUIPMENT JUNKIE The swimmer who uses paddles, fins, or a pull buoy for the entire workout because it’s the only way she can make the in- tervals. Identified by always having some type of equipment at- tached to her body. Fellow swimmers are sometimes in danger of being decapitated by her dinner plate–sized paddles. THE EXCLUSIVE FREESTYLER The swimmer who only swims freestyle, even for IM sets and drills, because he does not want his weaknesses in the other strokes to be revealed. Identified by being the only one swim- ming freestyle when everyone else in the lane is swimming but- terfly, backstroke, or breaststroke. THE NUMERICALLY CHALLENGED The swimmer who can’t count laps, track intervals, leave the wall at the right time, or remember how many rounds in a set have been completed. Identified by a general look of confusion at the wall. Not recommended as a lane leader and may want to consider enrolling in a basic math class. THE MISCONSTRUER The swimmer who misconstrues his own abilities and thinks he is faster than he really is. Identified by a large gap between him and the swimmer in front of him and a traffic jam of swim- mers behind him, often doing breaststroke so they don’t ram into one another. Should review swimming etiquette. THE CHEATER-KICKER The swimmer who uses her arms during kick sets, stroking about one-third the usual number in order to give the appear- ance that she is “focusing” on kicking. Identified by the lack of a kickboard, the presence of arm movement, and being noticeably faster than swimmers in the lane who are actually only kicking. THE BLASTER The swimmer who starts out very quickly and peters out shortly after. Identified by this swimmer being at least half a length in front of everyone in the first 15 minutes of a workout followed by a traffic jam of swimmers behind him during the remainder of the workout. Should learn to pace himself to work on building endurance. THE WELL-TIMED BATHROOM BREAKER The swimmer who suddenly feels the call of nature during a challenging set. Identified by her sudden disappearance during an undesirable or rigorous part of the workout. May want to consider waiting until after the workout to drink her coffee.—ALICE KEMBEL The Swimmer Stereotypes HOT TUB 5-7-5 I am in a race Father Time is giving chase Got to keep the pace. —WILLIAM LAUER 3 ju l y- au gu st 20 19